Dear Sixteen Year Old Me,
I wish I could tell you that a year from now none of this will matter, that you’ll just wake up one day and realize it wasn’t meant to be, pack your shit and move on. I wish I could tell you that what you’re feeling right now will dissipate, that it will one day dissolve inside of you until it no longer matters but that would be a lie. I wish I could tell you that he meant it when he said he was sorry, that this was the last time. I wish I could tell you that your gut was right when it told you to run the other way, but I can’t because we both know that instinct is futile against the power of love. I wish I could tell you that your love is enough for the both of you, but it isn’t and it never will be. I wish I could tell you that things will get better, that he’ll change, but he won’t.
The truth of the matter is, that you’re scared.
Scared that the words he said to you are true, that you’ll never be anything without him. That no one could ever love you because of how broken you are. That you’ll always be alone and that loneliness is the scariest thing in the world, but it’s not true! Staying with someone that steals your passion, your creativity — your soul, now that’s the scariest thing in the world!
I wish I could tell you that as you get older, his words, all of their words will drift out into the open sea and get lost in the breeze — but they don’t. Sure, they slowly fade but the echoes, those echoes remain with you daily. The effects of those words and those actions remain with you forever, wounds that never fully heal — only scar over in time.
But alas, there is hope! There is always hope, if only you’ll hold on a little longer….and while these wounds will never fully heal, they will eventually harden — try not to let your heart harden with them.
Don’t be afraid to love again, to run in full throttle and rip off those water wings.
Will you get hurt again? Most definitely! But you’ll never learn what it means to love or be truly loved unless you’ve experienced great heartache; for love is born from anguish and a heart that knows not anguish, knows not love.
So have a good cry, hell, have a few. Cry until your eyes burn and your pillow is soaked with the salt of your tears because I promise you this: Once it’s over, I mean completely over, you’ll realize that in that very moment walking away seemed like the hardest thing you ever did until it was done and then you’ll find yourself feeling so incredibly thankful because one day, you’ll realize just how incredibly amazing you truly are.
Leaving is the hardest part,